T- so given what I just said, what is the illusion that you're waiting for before you'll totally open to infinity?
we're all doing it not just you
I'm just asking you
– the illusion is that I always have to look for something that I'm always searching for my path.
and so it hurts me or I get knots or whatever because I feel like I'm not doing it or whatever and then that's comes in
T – and what are the ways that you search for your path I mean you know, read books see teachers think what how are your particular means of searching for your path
S – it's really I guess the main way would be going inward, thought
T – you mean meditating sitting there thinking?
- S – yeah meditating or say meditating and just thought thinking and you know so
it's mostly through meditating
T – well when you say meditating what are you doing how what are using that word to mean?
S – sitting
T – and I mean people could watch their breaths have a visualization
S – It's more like listening to my inner voice, and then I could ask questions, I can listen to what my higher voice says.
T – can't be that right on right or you wouldn't have the illusion that there's this path that you don't have?
S – I think its pretty right on. now what would I do with that
T- so tell me what your inner voice has told you to do that if you did you would stop searching for a path which is your big illusion. it told you to grow plants, and have?
S – No
T – why?
S – Lack of discipline, me fucking up.
T- so what's preventing you to open to infinity is you're not growing plants I mean it could be – is that the best shot you've got? your deepest self told you to grow plants you're not growing them because of your own laziness.
S- that's true
T- okay, so what would it take to get you to grow plants?
S – Not much
T – well obviously it's gonna take something
S – You mean specifically?
T – well you haven't done it you said, right so something isn't happening, what?
S – I haven't got the place to grow them
T – so you need to find the place. okay so what's stopping you from finding the place? when when did your voice tell you this – ten minutes ago or like a day ago or so
S – It's probably been telling me that for a year
T – So for a year you've been avoiding your highest voice
S – I've grown plants but not the way I want to grow plants
T- well I don't care how you want. I'm talking about your highest.
S – I haven't grown the way my highest voice says
T – Let me just say I'm a little insulted here. where are the tissues? sob… why would I possibly want to waste my time trying to help you if your deepest inner higher self has already told you what to do and you don't even listen to it?
I mean really that's a serious question
convince me that anything I say to you just this bozo outside of you that you're gonna believe me more than your deepest highest self and do something about it
S- nothing you can say
T – so you're basically a wasted case until you listen to your higher voice and you're not only a wasted case in the circle you have to be a wasted case to your woman because regardless of what any woman says what she wants from you is that depth of consciousness that you have because you're living your deepest purpose when you look at her she's part of your deepest purpose and when you embrace her you're embracing her with the strength of knowing you're living life purposely so she could trust you that you're living life purposely with her and she wants that strength and depth of commitment from you is there any woman who wouldn't want that from their man
S- When that is happening when I can feel that when she can feel that, that's what I want.
T- that's what we all want. So what's the problem, why haven't you started growing plans? all I care about right now is why you haven't started growing plants like your inner voice told you to. there has to be a reason. let me put it this way – if you did what are you afraid would happen? yeah can you answer that question if you grew like tomorrow you just went out found a place did your best yeah what are you afraid might?
S – just afraid that I'll be successful
T – and then? if you were successful then what what are you afraid of? it's got to be something there you would have done it?
S – It's like stepping outside of a cliff.
T – but when you're stepping over a cliff you're afraid of falling and dying down there. right so what are you afraid of?
S – Leaving where I'm at
T – and where are you at? that you're afraid of leaving what is it you're afraid of leaving?
S – comfort
T – huh okay so you're afraid of leaving comfort it's I'm gonna risk your comfort to follow your higher vision. big da. I wish I had Jerry Springer. okay but that is absolutely cool and understandable and the reason I'm not enlightened and every other single person in this room is not enlightened is precisely that reason in their little version. so the reason that we are each afraid to surrender completely to infinity is that we are attached to something that is presently appearing. can you feel the pain that's causing you to be attached to that comfort? in other words you're not getting to live your deepest purpose, does it hurt to not be able to grow plants the way your higher-self told you?
well when the pain that it causes you to not follow your higher purpose is more painful than the comfort you get from holding on to your place you'll grow. otherwise there's not anyone that could help you or anything or any other higher voice or anything I mean you might as well just stop faking like you're trying to grow and you know do some pick your nose I don't know. do you understand what I'm saying? you know what to do to grow, you're gonna follow your higher voice you know you haven't done that because you're afraid of giving up your comfort. that's honorable it's true I think for everyone okay until the searing intensity of pain for being as mediocre as you're being for your standard it's not mine I don't care what you live that's your life I may never see you again but the seering pain causes you to not live your highest purpose until that pain makes you jump off that cliff there's nothing anyone can do to make you jump off that cliff and I could guarantee you you're gonna lose comfort when you jump off that cliff it's not something you have to wonder about. you are going to eventually lose everything if you jump off that cliff. all that will be left is perfect freedom and until you're you personally and in each of us but until you personally say I will give up my relationship for perfect freedom I will give up my money for perfect freedom I will give up my body the existence of my body for perfect freedom
I mean that's a big thing there very few people in the history over the world who have evern done that but that's what we're talking about here so it gives you a direction for the next million lifetimes but until you can say this is not satisfactory to me it's okay my body's okay my money's okay my wife is okay the world is okay my food is okay I'm having a pretty good time but it's insufficient and I'm willing to give all of this up for the infinity of fearless freedom. if I was talking to a woman I would call it love perfect infinite unbounded love until you're willing to give up everything for that you won't and no one can help you you could do self-improvement so you could go
whoa I'm not giving that up yet but in the meantime I'm going to lift weights and build muscles and I'm gonna make more money and I'm going to get healthier by eating spirulina or something you know I mean you can do all kinds of self-improvement things while you're holding back you could also do all kinds of therapy could go oh I'm not gonna do what my highest voice wants but I'm definitely gonna find out what my father did to me when I was young and I wasn't gonna release these emotions I've been holding back all along you could do therapy and self-improvement but in the end the your the bottom line is that you're afraid to let go you're afraid of something and in your case it's comfort. so you're afraid to let go of the comfort that you've attained in your life which probably, I don't need to say it so so when you're ready to do that you'll do that and what spiritual practice is for you true spiritual practice in my opinion for you would be to feel how how much you're settling for comfort just not just feel that allow yourself daily moment by moment to continually feel wow I really am I would really rather I don't know that you're the details of your life but you know I'd really rather sit in my room and do this then follow my higher vision to what I know is my deepest purpose I would really rather do this even though
it hurts and I feel small and mediocre and I'm not living my purpose there's a part of me that's afraid of jumping off this cliff and losing this comfort and that's where I'm at and just know that and sit with that and it's by being with that which is what is that thing's transforms but being with what is that things transform and that is what is for you you understand so the whole thing of looking for a path which is what you originally said tells me that whatever you call your spiritual practice isn't cutting deep enough because that's not your actual situation you're not really looking for a path your highest vision has already given you a path you're afraid to live it and you're afraid to live it because you're attached to comfort so your spiritual practice is to sit in the cauldron of being afraid to let go of your comfort until that pain is so much you just go I have to do this and you jump and then you have to do that moment by moment by moment because you and everyone around you would prefer that you hold on to the comfort then jump and so as soon as you jump you could be absolutely certain that those closest to you especially will freak and you will too and the practice of jumping over and over over know
S – over and over?
T – if it were just once we could finish tonight how many people in here have felt a moment of what they would call deep consciousness or deep love okay there's the just once look at what good it did I guess I could add to therapy and self-improvement peak experiences as absolutely useless for spiritual growth I mean they don't mean absolutely useless in the sense like they have no use I mean they aren't sufficient this is a better way of putting it peak experiences mean nothing unless you then use them to guide what your moment-by-moment practicing in your case jumping off that abyss into your highest purpose against your body minds desires for comfort and everyone else's desires for comfort and you picked for a girlfriend like a comfort Pig as far as I know I mean I haven't talked to her lately I might be making assumptions here but you know
S- comfort pig?
T – do you have a better term now again there's nothing wrong there's nothing wrong with comfort it's only wrong if you're choosing comfort instead of your highest purpose if you're living your highest purpose heck, add to it all the comfort and money and relationships and health that you could possibly add because those are beautiful things where a lot we might as well enjoy what's beautiful here so once you're living your highest purpose or as you're living your highest purpose yeah you know live as beautifully as you possibly can manage just in your case what you're describing is choosing comfort instead of your highest purpose and that's what I'm talking about and now I'm adding just to start getting around the circle that the person sitting next to you if I remember correctly and if nothing's changed since the last time I've read anyone's letters is your intimate partner is like a devotee of comfort so what people tend to do and not just you I'm just picking on you I have no idea why because I like you probably is they assemble things in their life that hold them into what they think they want to let go of but they're afraid to so they go well I can't really jump because now we have a new house you know or whatever situation might happen to be happening and and you really have to face that that you we are each strategizing there's a war going on within each of us within you within each of us though our we'll call it our higher self as I think is that what you called it the voice what did you call it voice okay you're hired but we can call it anything the divine infinity love the higher voice I'll use higher voice for you your higher voice knows into its feels how to live and every other part of you knows that it's the end of everything that you know if you do that every part of you knows that if you follow your highest voice you risk you put at risk all the things the rest of you has developed and therefore the trick of spiritual life is to realize that there's a holy war going on between your higher voice and every other part of you as well as the rest of the world and everybody else who wants to sustain itself you want to sustain a kind of comfortable life or whatever you want to call it your body wants that your mind wants that it's only your higher voice or whatever word you want to use for that the deepest self do your love that knows that there's something deeper and truer and more real than any of what you've built so far and yet you've built it and all those parts of you that have built it go be careful no oh my god what's gonna happen if you do that and the disposition of someone truly practicing spiritual life in general is one of anguished ecstasy the anguish is because you are in absolute pain that things suck as much as they do and the acts to see is you're always feeling into that deep self which is ecstasy which is bliss itself which is openness or love itself but that doesn't change the fact that you're clinging to all kinds of things that are falling apart and that's suffering that is what suffering is so to live in anguish ecstasy and not bow out instinct into self-improvement peak experiences or therapy to use the three things we've talked about so far is to live a truly spiritual way of life rather than a new-age way of life which is focused on improving things which doesn't last as in any any religion in the world to tell you that so your practice then will end now and go on just to either be listening to your higher voice and acting on it moment by moment by moment against the grain against what the other parts of your mind says against what your thoughts say against what your body wants to do against what your girlfriend wants to do against what everyone wants you to do and listen to your higher voice over and over and over over and over and over over and over and over or because you won't be able to do that I'm giving you the or allow yourself to feel the suffering and creates that you're not doing that I mean really feel it because it's killing you isn't it I mean isn't it the deepest pain of your life that you're not living is highest purpose yeah so just feel that deep pain and that deep pain is what will move you to listen more and more to your highest voice over years anything else you want to ask oh yeah you could ask lots of things what else well wait a second wait a second let's not go there yet if you did what I just said either live your highest voice or feel the pain that you're not living your highest voice causes and you stayed in that place and you shared that you live that intensity in your life with her is there anything else to talk about are you sure I'm gonna magic living that way either actually living from your highest purpose with her or showing her the intensity of your suffering from not living with your highest purpose which is a deep integrity to be able to go on I'm not living my purpose and I know it and it's killing me and staying totally present with that if you did that what would be left for you exactly so that would be the end of the story exactly exactly and even if there has you just do it you living your deepest purpose or you're staying the suffering of not living your deepest purpose and you stay there and you stay there and you stay there and you stay there and everyone who's not enlightened needs breaks so it'll happen if sometimes you'll just go let's just go get stoned and then then you go okay and you go off and you do your little rituals of pleasure that you've developed together and you you know you do that and then and then at some point you feel god I can't do this anymore I've got to get back to it you know just and then you'll have to go nerve back to the practice and that's what good practice is you take breaks when you need to but you always know they are breaks and you come back to practice okay so that should be all you need to know for the rest of your life and if it isn't then get your money back for tonight okay